10:02 am :: Monday, Aug. 12, 2002

Fuck Up - The Truth
(re-post from Tuesday Aug. 6th 5-ish pm)

I am about to make one of the most important decisions I've made all year.

It's killing me on the inside. I've sat here at the computer all day, staring at the screen, doing Dictionaraoke shit, Thinking of a design for a client's website...

anything as not to think about what's going on... what has happened... what will happen...

I am in serious pain. My insides twist and turn like taffy in a boardwalk candyshoppe. My colon tingles as if I have to deficate, yet I've been to the bathroom and I know it's just the confused nature of the game.

Why do our bodies do this to us. The waiting game turned into an endurance match with our insides. Why do we call it our heart when it's our lower organs that control the rest of our body.

(at least in my case.)

All I know, is that I am a serious asshole. However, I cannot rely on bullshit excuses or hide behind the facade of a smiling lie. I must own up to what has happened.

Life leads us into things that we are inexplicable drawn into. Greek tragedies spiced up into fly-by-the-second MTV Real World Emotional exploitations, played out for the amusement of our peers and family.

I never thought that I would be unable to do something... I mean... not do something that would fuck up so much that is right for me.

But, as I said before. It was I who fucked up, and now that I have fucked up, It is I who becomes just that. A fuck up.

For those of you who frequent my website, sorry I haven't been talking about music lately. This Diary is about my whole life. Keep reading and that's what you'll get. not some sugar coated bullshit primed for exposure. You'll get the truth.

Next Diary Entry: "The Truth" (re-posted from Friday Aug. 9th 4am)

The Truth

This is a long and complicated story... and pretty much, here is how it goes... Valorie and I have been dating for a little over a year now. We have our fights and usually we get over them, but there is one sore subject that always seems to plauge our relationship. Sister Booty (flashback for reference) At a New Years Eve party, Sister Booty and her friend Brooke started giving me a hard time over "having a girlfriend". Confused as to why she wouldn't just be happy for me, I confronted her, only to find out that she held feelings for me that mirrored the ones I had for her. Feelings that I repressed for years, based on she's my friend Booty's Sister. (hence: "Sister Booty") This all turns into an ugly fiasco of me ignoring Valorie and having to practically force her into liking me again. Only to piss her off again, by lying to her about hanging out with Sister Booty at a later date. During the time spent with Siter Booty, Our feelings are discussed once more with a basic agreement that it's not feasible and move on. (6 months pass) Valorie and I have been practically living together, and we are very much in love. Although we argue heatedly about several things, we always seem to work things out and compromise. The Sister Booty thing, remains her worst fear however, always making itself known that she's still very insecure about her return, and how I will act. Upon Sista's return to movie night, I gave off very strong signals to let her know that, "We're still friends, But I'm WITH Valorie!" Valorie sees this, but still thinks I spent too much time with Sista Booty. But, it is dropped. That night in bed, Valorie and I discuss the family vacation that she is going on and that Sister Booty's Birthday is while she is away. I let her know that I'll behave myself and we go to bed. A bit later, Valorie sobs silently on her side of the bed. I ask gently, "what's the matter?" to which she replies, "nothing" I know what she's thinking about... Sister Booty. But, I feel it's very courageous of her to put her fear aside and deal with it quietly than to bring it up and obsess over it. It shows me that she has fear, but has the strength to deal with it. Plus, I have no intention of doing ANYTHING with Sister Booty. I couldn't imagine what kind of pain that would bring Valorie, much less why I would ruin the relationship I have with her. We're in love! The next night, Valorie and I get into a fight over the phone. (I've made rules in my life that are non-negotiable. Tuesday night is Movie Night and Phone calls are welcome at all hours of the Year.) But, It was the phone conversation that really should ahev been her concern. At 3am the phone rings, "Hello," "hey, I just got out of the club, why aren't I over there sexing you up?" slurs Sister Booty over top of a bunch of female giggles. "Because I'm asleep" I say. "Brooke and I won a buch of money in the club and got some free drinks and... hold on Brooke wants to talk to you" "Hello? You still dating that girl?" Brooke inquires "Yes, she's actually here with..." At this point Valorie screams, "We're trying to sleep!!" Somewhat upset that she'd be that rude, I press the phone into my chest and give her a glance, to which she huffs and forcefully readjusts herself in the sheets as to be facing away from me. "Did we just get you in trouble?" Brooke slyly asks "No." "Oh, we'll let you go." "goodnight." "goodnight." Now, everyone knows you can't control your dreams. (except for you freaks) And that dreams, most oftenly, mean something. Well, that very night I had a short dream... (about 1 minute long) It was a question dream. And it's content I never shared with Valorie, for I knew it would only make her worry more. The dream was shot from my perspective, I couldn't see myself, but it was through my eyes. Sister Booty is naked and standing at the side of my bed with her arms outstretched. She says simply, "Be with me" and then I wake up. To me it simply said, if faced with that situation, what would I do? Could I resist a feeling that I've worked so hard to hide. (I have known Sister Booty for about 6 years and had fallen in love with her but it had never taken on a reality until the New Years incident.) But, now I love Valorie! I love Valorie!

I love valorie

I love Valorie

I love Valorie

There, I had said it and meant it, and that's that! There's no sense to pine over someone you had a crush on only to ruin your relationship. Valorie and I get into it the next day about the phone issue, and we Really get into it about several other issues that leads me to sleeping on the couch and writing the Journal entry of July 29th. But, from that point on, she treats me like gold. She helps me around the house, she initiates sex, she doesn't hound me about anything, she's basically perfect. I'm quite wary. I realise that she's only doing this because... (cue Whodunnit music)

Dunh Dunh Daaaaaaahhhhh!

She loves me. that's it. no motives. She loves me and for once in her life she honestly trusts me to go to Sister Booty's Birthday party while she's away in Virginia. Wow, where can I get a girl like her!!! (oh wait, she's mine!! tee-heheheheheehh) So, I pretty much decide that I'm not hanging out with Siter Booty. Why even tempt fate. Right? The only night I'm going to actually see her is on her Birthday. (21st birthday at that) The Birthday day comes and we are all supposed to meet at La Cost Mexican Restaurant for 99cent margaritas at 8pm. I, making sure to add extra security, call Big Titty Jenny to be my chaperone so as to "Make sure" nothing happens. On top of that, we show up 2 hours late just as everyone is about to leave. Booty, and his girlfriend Jenny, Cindy, some friend of hers, Phillip and Sister Booty are there. BTJenny and I quickly order some margaritas and throw them back. And I ask, "what's going on tonight?" Booty says, "we're going back to my house." Me, knowing that that means Jenny throwing a fit because we're too loud, says, "we could have it at my place, we can be as loud as we want." Booty gives me a determined glare and says, "NO... We're having it at my house." Meaning, [I'm not letting my stupid bitch of a girlfriend ruin my sister's birthday party. "good!" I say. "hey [bt]Jenny, let's get some tequila!" "sounds like a plan" she says and we set off to go to Booty's Now, here's where I have to state my intentions. My intentions were to go to the party, have a few drinks as to be "social" and then go home. After all, BTJenny was driving so I could get drunk. We got limes and ice and came to booty's and watched Southpark: Bigger Longer, Uncut. I must say I'm quite bored by this movie. It's not that it's not funny, it's the fact that all of my friends own the goddamned soundtrack to it. (it IS a musical) And I hear it all the fucking time. Hours pass and I have done an amazing job of ignoring Sister Booty. She hung out with Phillip on th couch, and I talked with Big Titty Jenny and Andy Todd. Matter of fact, I ignore her so much so that I realise that I'm probably being mean. (why couldn't I have been mean?) I start hanging out with Sister Booty and Phillip and we turn on the radio and start to dance. Having enough of that, I leave them and go outside to talk finances with Andy Todd and Big Titty Jenny. This is where the Deja Vu happens. Jenny (the bitchy girlfriend) runs throught the house screaming at people and pokes her head out the back door. "Everybody has to leave, now!" She quietly but forcefully proclaims with her best "I'm serious" voice. "We being to loud?" I Recipricated Quizzically. "Yes! Now, get out." to which she runs back in and dissappears. Pretty drunk, I stagger into the house and put on my shoes. Booty is in the living room apologizing to his sister and BT Jenny. at one point even referring to her as a "Psycho-Bitch" to BTJenny's delight. We all decide we're going to finish our partying at my house... and this is where it all gets fuzzy. We drive to my house and walk through the door. Matt's on the computer and BTJenny imediately runs up and humps his leg. Sister Booty, her gay friend Clint, and Big Titty Jenny all join me in the kitchen for another shot. (Like we really need it.) and... People leaving... (blank) I wake up to Matt screaming "telephone!" (or something to that effect) I reach over the body next to me to grab the phone only to yank the cord out of the bottom of the phone. I get up to fix the phone only to realise I'm nude from the waist down. "hello?" I confusedly ask the plastic reciever. "Hello, is nicole there? This is her mom." (focus on the clock: 8:55) I hand the phone to the half nude female to my right and get up to get in the shower. I have to be at work at 10:00am. (takes me about an hour to get to Nashville from Murfreesboro, so I'm cutting it close even taking a shower.) Get in the shower, get dressed. and this is what is said. "I gotta go to work." "I have a dentist appointment" "Your mom picking you up?" "yeah, my sunburn is killing me" "There's some sunburn ointment in the cabinet" "Ok" "C-ya" "g-bye" And I hate myself all the way to work.

What the fuck happened???

where the fuck did all my "magic Self-control" go? How the fuck could I even have done this? (my mind is racing!) Now, let me take a moment to explain a few details to you that I might have missed, or just haven't told you yet. I am a firm believer in "being drunk doesn't matter". It isn't an excuse. Because, whatever you do when you're drunk is pretty much what you wanted to do anyway. Albeit, deep down. Secondly, and not so importantly... We didn't have sex!! I say it's not so importantly due to the fact that I might as well have. What I did was just as bad and is unforgiveable. Now you ask, If you don't remember all of that night, how do you know you didn't have sex? Because Sister Booty was wearing a tampon. (she told me).

Yes, ladies and gentlemen! I AM AN ASSHOLE!!!

That night, Valorie calls. I have spent all day killing myself. (my hangover almost did it for me, but I soaked it all up. I deserve the pain.) I have pretty much decided that I cannot tell her while she is in Virginia with her parents. (First of all, at this point she has another 5 days there!) It would be completely impossible to learn that your boyfriend cheated on you, and still be able to muster the ability to get along with your family in cramped quarters. Plus, I don't want to do this on the phone. She calls and I play like nothing happened. (I hate Myself) She tells me all sorts of things about the cabin and her trip, including the presence of a dog there ronically named "Jenny". Jenny<->Bitch, you get the picture. The phone call ends with, "Did you behave yourself?" to which I painfully replied, "uh-huh." (insert scene of me slashing my own throat here.) How the fuck did I do this? I set out to specifically "Not DO" something, and I did it. Despite the fact that it would ruin everything I have with Valorie. Everything good I have going for me right now. I mean, we were going to move in together for chriss'sake! We had talked about long term plans and everything had been so good right before she left. The next few days only get worse and worse for me. My headlight on my car goes out just as I thought everthing was ok with my vehicle. None of the Booty's come over for movie night letting me know how awkward it really is between Sister Booty and I after our drunken whatever it was. Would you like to ask some questions? Sure! "Do you still love Valorie?" Answer: You bet I do. and that's what makes it the saddest part. I have ruined probably the best relationship of my life over a one-night fling with someone I have conflicted feelings for, that I have no chance of being with. Some deep part of me made what happened, happen and I would do anything to take it back. But, I realise I can't. "Are you going to tell Valorie?" It's the only thing to do. To hide this would only show that I don't repect Valorie at all. (and I've already disrespected Valorie enough) I'm not going to ask for forgiveness, for I know how hard it is to get over infidelity. (I've been cheated on myself, although this is the first time I have been the cheater.) Once a sacred trust is broken it can never (if rarely) be gotten back. The relationship, like a sick dog, will only bend to lick the abcess of infidelity on it's back. Gnashing it's teeth and never truly knowing comfort until it's gone. Eventually, if not treated, the abcess grows until it eats the dog whole. "Do you expect Valorie to forgive you?" Absolutely not. I'm afraid of what our relationship would be if she did. I understand that I have broken this beyond repair. And trust me, nobody is sorrier than me. I am the one losing an amazing woman. She really loved me, and I'm afraid I'll never know love that pure again. My biggest concern is how I'm going to break up with her. As I said, and I've consulted quite a few friends on this, I CANNOT DO THIS OVER THE PHONE. and I CANNOT LET HER KNOW WHILE SHE'S IN VIRGINIA. That would just be unfair. I somehow, have to pick her up from her house, get her to my house and sit her down and explain, why I'm such a flaming asshole. Then, somehow get her back to her house (24 minute drive) with a box of her belongings. (I know she's not gonna want to be near me. so, how?) I'm also worried about what she's gonna do. During our relationship, she got so upset over me hanging up combined with her mom being a bitch that she tried to cut herself. Understand that as soon as she did this she called and said that she needed help, because she had no idea why she would do anything so stupid. But upon askingf her her reasons she replied, "For a second I thought, Maybe if I died my mom would see what she's doing to me. And she'd feel bad." She asys she realises that this is not the answer, but I can't help but think that this situation wouldn't put her over the edge. Because, not only has her boyfriend broken up with her because he's cheated on her, but she's having to move back into her house with a mother who uses her as permanent babysitter. To a house that has held her back from going to school, learning to drive, getting a job, etc. I feel, Valorie has become very co-dependant on me and to let her go like this is going to trigger something bad. Now, how do I access this situation? First of all, killing yourself is stupid and I'd have no sympathy for her if she did. That's disrespecting the fact that no matter how bad it is now, you'll have better days ahead, and you can make someone feel better by doing something with yourself and showing that you're better than them. How pathetic is it to be the "I'll show them" type only for people to forget about you a year later. The only way to be remembered is to have noteriety first and then off yourself. Ala' Kurt Cobain. (except I agree with courtney that if he didn't want to do music anymore, just fucking stop! don't kill yourself. stupid people.) Oh well, I've ranted enough. I have to work 13 hours tomorrow. and if I fall asleep now, I'll get 6 hours of sleep. My stomach still churns with anger and nervous tension. Why am I such a fuckhead? Why did I do this? I mean, I just shot myself in the face. And killed my relationship at the same time. Sunday draws near. That's when she comes home. I'm wondering if she'll read all of this before I pick her up? I'm wondering if I should remove all of this before I talk to her. We'll see.



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