I mean, I've been back, I just haven't written lately. I've been way too busy with work and the girlfriend.

Seems I've messed up again.

While I was in Cleveland I got really drunk and wound up kissing some girl with a mohawk. (right in front of Valorie) When she asked me about it and I immediately denied it...

then I admitted it...

then I forced her to break up with me.

Now why would I do such horrible things? I mean, anyone who really knows me knows that I'm usually not this unabashedly cruel. Answer?????

I don't Know

Matter of fact, I only know what I just told you based on an eyewitness account... Valorie.

Now here comes the dilemma.

I have always conceeded that drinking is not an excuse for what you do drunk. But what about when your body continues on without your minds consent?

But I also believe that the cure for substance abuse (alcohol in this case) is not won by cutting it totally out of your life. People can responsibly use alcohol, and previous to the last year or so, so could I. However only in the last two years has "Blacking Out" been a problem that I have encountered.

Valorie clamours, "I can control my drinking, and you're the one who taught me that. Why can't you?"

I answer, "I don't know."

Other than a theory of "running on auto-pilot" I really don't.

And now because of alcohol, I run the risk of losing the woman I love.

Logic would dictate, stop drinking. But, and it's not that "I must have alcohol" because truly, you can ask Valorie how much I drink... (very few and far between) I just need to learn to stop drinking when I'm already drunk. When I'm drunk there is no problem. When I'm Blacked out a whole new persona rises that's as lethal as PDS Plutonium. (imagine my regular PDS persona amplified about 100,000,000X)

I suppossedly have one more chance on Halloween to prove myself in Valorie's eyes that I won't hurt her upon being drunk. And trust me I don't want to mess that up. (so don't think I haven't thought about not drinking)

But, The proving is not based upon me sober. It's based upon me drunk. So in effect, I MUST drink and prove my competence.

That is if she doesn't leave me before we get to Halloween. (less than a week away) A part of me wants her to leave. I can't stand her being mad at me and being so close to her. When I see her all I want to do is hold her and kiss her (No, I don't call her George), and as of late she doesn't want to be near me. (so it really hurts internaly)

Other than all of this mess, I'm resuming work on the million website march I've been putting off. Freespeechforsale.com, Mattthepm.com, Dictionaraoke.org, Pimpdaddysupreme.com, Etc...

I need to work on more music as well, as long as I can get away from work and still pay the bills, that will be great.